By nature, humans are social animals. It is not in our genetics to be alone. Studies have shown that people who live in complete isolation tend to develop various mental and physical abnormalities. It simply is not healthy.
Dating and relationships are another extension of our desire to be social. And aptly so, the breakup can feel like a kick in the nuts or a punch in the breast, depending on your genital disposition.
So why exactly do breakups hurt so bad? On a biological level, researchers have found that love and relationships increase dopamine production in the brain. Dopamine is a natural ‘happy’ drug that the body can produce in various circumstances. In the honeymoon stage of any relationship, you are almost OD on the happy drug, dopamine.
Love and infatuation can also increase levels of testosterone on both men and women, leading to increased feelings of happiness, sexuality, and energy; along with other benefits such as increased strength and stamina.
Is it any wonder we get so high at the beginning of a new relationship? Our body is drugging us!
In addition to these physiological effects, there are a number of sociological ones as well. Television does an excellent job of showing us the joys and benefits of dating someone “hot”.
• Increased status in our peer group
• Increased sense confidence and self-esteem
• Pride in our accomplishments
And various other benefits that come with dating the popular/hot guy/girl.
Ok, so we have identified why relationships make us so happy in the beginning, but what happens as the relationship progresses toward the end.
The biggest reason why relationships end is that the drugs simply wear off. The honeymoon stage fades, and life goes back to normal. Most people, in their early dating years, are hooked on the drugs. Once the drugs are gone, they need another fix, and move on to another person. Some people end up doing this their whole lives, bouncing from one relationship to another, in search of that next greatest high. The problem is, it always wears off.
Ok, so now we have an indication as to why most short term relationships end. Long term is much more complicated, if a couple has been together for more than a couple of years, it has less to do with drugs and more to do with other factors that are much too complex for the depth of this article. For now we will stick to the shorter-term relationships - 2 years or less.
If the relationship is really new (within a few weeks), it tends to hurt, but hurt only temporarily. Once the relationship crosses into many months and/or even a year or two, the relationship breakup tends to hurt a whole lot more. All of this depends on your circumstance of course, but we are talking specifically about the ones that hurt and hurt bad.
The problem with the long-short-term relationship is that you begin to identify yourself as a couple, not as an individual. Every aspect of you begins to include that other person in some way or another. This is again due to the effects of the drugs. That person makes you feel happier than you have ever felt before. When you are with them, you feel on top of the world. It is easy to become a unified part of such an awesome experience.
Have you ever caught yourself saying, “Oh no, WE don’t like that type of movie.” “No WE thought it would be best to hang out at that coffee shop.” “I used to like that shirt, but WE thought it was best that I change my style a bit.”
Yes, it is true, WE have all done it. And if YOU have not, YOU will soon.
The reality is, it is impossible for this not to happen. When you become part of a partnership, you become part of a team. As you know, there is no I in WE.
In your relationship, it seems like you can do no wrong. The world is at your fingertips.
That is… Until it ends!
When that day comes for you to split ways, it can seem like the whole world has come crashing down. In some respects, it has. Everything you had identified yourself with, every habit and every decision you used to make together has now disappeared. All of these wonderful thing… you now have to do on your own.
That stings. The dopamine levels drop and the testosterone dissipates – the high is gone. You are left feeling depressed, lonely, and feeling sorry for yourself. There is no worse feeling than finding out your relationship is over. The love of your life has broken up with you.
Well guess what, THIS IS NORMAL.
After a breakup, you might find yourself feeling more alone than you ever have, but the reality is you are not. On any given day, there are millions of people experiencing the same emotions as you. They are listening to the same horrible love songs, crying into their pillows, and tearing up photos of the past. The struggle is part of our human condition.
The only thing that will help you get out of that funk is to remember, the reason it hurts so bad is because you had the courage to care so much. This is the greatness that is human nature; this is what separates us from the other animals that inhabit our planet.
Take from it, learn from it, and become a better person.
There is only one place to go when you feel you have hit rock bottom, and that way is up.
Sleep, eat, and exercise as much as you can. This is the cure to those breakup blues. Trust me, each day will get better, each day brings you a little bit closer to the next round of dopamine and testosterone drugs that you so desperately crave.
Safe dating my friends!
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